There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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