come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
