I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
