So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
