so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
