I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
