I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
