I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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