Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
