Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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