I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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