I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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