I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
