jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
