You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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