the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
