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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i now understand why vodka
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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