NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
