Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
