so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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