Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
