I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
