I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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