So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
