Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
