My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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