your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
