Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
