Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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