i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
