no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
