A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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