Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
