Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
