I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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