He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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