I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
