god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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