I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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