remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
