my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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