You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
