Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
