I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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