beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
