please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Green mimosas i think yes
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
