my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
