i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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