Who wears a wallet chain?!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
