my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
